When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
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Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.