I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
You Might Also Like
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Born to be mild.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.