@Cpin42

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

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@HeresCunty

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

@Gorrdano

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

@thedailymarker

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

@GirlsNoteBook

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

@pinapl

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

@theotherkendra

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

@SassyChantelle

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

@pradacid

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

@TanukisRevenge

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.