Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
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Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
This is a whole mood;
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me