when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
You Might Also Like
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Worst Native American name ever.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too