Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

fixed it

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

The options really are this bad

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

Don’t make me out nice you.

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Who did it better?

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put