when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
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Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
It’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
The options really are this bad
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Don’t make me out nice you.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
*marks intercept point*
Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Who did it better?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put