when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
![]()
You Might Also Like
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
![]()
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
6. me as a lawyer
![]()
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
![]()
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Peter Parker Peter Driver
![]()
![]()
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.