I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
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@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.