Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
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Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
*launders Kohls cash*
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests