they finally got him. they got macavity
You Might Also Like
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”