Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
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Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Whoa… oh I see lol