Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
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I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
It’s a gift
What a chick magnet..
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.