During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?![]()
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The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
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I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?