During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
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Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?