Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
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I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet