I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
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just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.