Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
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So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.