Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
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mathematically impossible
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom