2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
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It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I hope it’s French Onion!
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.