Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
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*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I love you…
…r dog.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless