Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
You Might Also Like
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops