Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
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SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Breaking news:
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
guys i’ve cracked the code
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.