I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
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NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue