Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
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*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*