[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
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Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’