Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.