Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
The Weeknd is back
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.