*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
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Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
They got a point!
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus