A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
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your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica