your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
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I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
i think both sides are to blame here
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“No way.” -Jose
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”