“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
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[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
OKAY DAD
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.