I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
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person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”