I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
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“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
who wore it better?
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Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
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I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]