I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
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I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
6: When were you born?
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?
*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?