I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
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due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
May have had one breakfast too many
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie