May have had one breakfast too many
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I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
You got this…
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?