3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
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ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
accurate