A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
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Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.