Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
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There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one