1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
You Might Also Like
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day