I pray every night that I never become religious…
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Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Just a friendly reminder!
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?