I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
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I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
New comic up. “Ransom”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.