@capricecrane

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

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@cwhudson

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

@DirtMcTurd

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

@amydillon

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

@AmishSuperModel

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

@CarouselMouse

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

@Jake_Vig

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

@thetidebreaks

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.