Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
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Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!