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Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms