I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

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My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.


A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.


So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.


God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*


[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?


To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!


Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.


I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants