@faizziy

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

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@chopper4jk

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

@HatfieldAnne

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

@justliamwilson

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

@nyquills

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

@Jeffwni

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

@Moemontes

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

@robfee

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

@mattZillaaaa

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants