Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
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u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
how to have fun when you’re poor
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.