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Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…