Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
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mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?