Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
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Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car