I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
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A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Hit me in the face with a bird
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.