me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
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succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
when you are just born a rebel
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
What kind of a cult is this?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.