*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
You Might Also Like
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My background check bounced.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.