What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
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when you don’t want to be too vague
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.