but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
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I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
She puts the hot in psychotic
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.