but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
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[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
But that’s none of my business
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????