Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
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For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
the answer was staring at me all along
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
this could fix me
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis